Following a night out with a few friends, a man brought them back to show
off his new flat. After the grand tour, the visitors were rather perplexed
by the large gong taking pride of place in the lounge. "What's that big
brass gong for?" one of the guests asked.
"Why, that's my Speaking Clock" the man replied.
"How does it work?"
"I'll show you", the man said, giving the gong an ear-shattering
blow with an unpadded hammer. Suddenly, a voice from the other side of the wall screamed,
"For f*ck's sake, you w*nker, it's twenty to two in the f**king morning!!"

There are not a lot of mother-in-law, daughter-in-law jokes - possibly
because it is too close to the truth!!! But enjoy this one... A young man
excitedly tells his mother he's fallen in love and is going to get married.
He says, "Just for fun, Ma, I'm going to bring over 2 other female friends
in addition to my fiancee and you try and guess which one I'm going to marry."
The next day, he brings 3 beautiful women into the house and sits them down
on the couch and they chat for a while. He then says, "Okay, Ma. Guess which
one I'm going to marry."
She immediately replies, "The red-head in the middle."
"That's amazing, Ma. You're right, how did you know?"
"I don't like her."

Mick was in court for a double murder and the judge said, "You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a spanner." A voice at the back of the
courtroom yelled out, "You b*stard!" The judge continued, "You're also
charged with beating your daughter to death with a spanner." Again, the
voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out, "You f***ing b*stard!!!"
The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said,
"Paddy, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I
will not have any more of these outbursts from you or I shall charge you
with contempt! Now what is the problem?" Paddy, at the back of the court
stood up and responded, "For fifteen years I lived next door to that
b*stard. And every time I asked to a borrow a f**king spanner, he said he didn't have one!"

A man walks into a bar and asks for a beer. After drinking it, he looks in
his shirt pocket and asks for another beer. After drinking that one, he
looks in his shirt pocket again and asks for another beer. This happens
about another seven times before the bartender asks him, "Why do you keep looking in your pocket?"
The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in there. When she looks good enough, I'll go home."

A man is driving late one evening and he is pulled over by the police,
the officer say's to the man "I have reason to believe you may have been
drinking this evening sir" to which the driver replies, "yes officer I cant deny
it I have, but how could you tell?" "I don't believe I was swerving
uncontrollably across the road was I?" To which the police officer replies "no sir,
you weren't, I am afraid it was the ugly fat bird in the passenger seat that gave you away!"

A hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the
night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of
night caps. One questions the other two, "look it's our wedding night and I
was wondering. How many times are we expected to...um... you know.... Do
IT!" The other two look blankly at him, then they all delve into a
conversation about whether the usual once is enough, or should they go for
twice, as its a special occasion or what? Anyway they decide to retire to
their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea that over
breakfast they'll discuss what went on. Suddenly one of the groom's pipes
up, "Hold on lads we can't discuss our first night marital goings on over
the breakfast table with our wives sat with us." "No you're right. What
we'll do then, for every piece of toast you order with your breakfast that's
how many times you did it" offers another groom. They all decide it's an
excellent idea and depart.

The next day in the hotel breakfast parlour they're all looking a bit
dishevelled and the wives have the haircut known as the 'Just Sh*gged Look'.
The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, "Yes I'll have
the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please". The other two
grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his
prowess. The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, "I
shall also have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of
toast" The other two grooms turn making pistols from their fingers and shoot
the FOUR-shooter groom. The waitress gets to the last groom. "I TOO shall
have the FULL English breakfast please, yet I shall have..." He takes a deep
breath and surveys the room, "SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST" he calls for
everyone's benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates,
who stare at him rubbing their privates, thinking how raw their friend must be.
"Seven pieces of toast sir?" queries the waitress. "Why that's an awful lot"
"Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is." She writes down his
order then turns away, but before she leaves the seven times a night groom
calls after her again ... "And by the way love, can you make two of them brown?"

A man has been suffering from constipation, and he goes to see his doctor
about it. "Don't worry," says the doctor, "I'll just give you these
suppositories, insert one into your rectum about every day at twelve. I'll
put the first one in for you." The doctor does this, and the man leaves
feeling relieved that he will soon be rid of his rather embarrassing problem.
The next day at twleve he tries to stick a suppository in himself,
but he can't get it far up enough to stay in, so he gets his wife to
do it for him. His wife puts a hand on his shoulder and shoves the
suppository up his arse. The man suddenly breaks down crying. "Oh come now,"
she says, "It's not that painful, is it?" "No," he cries, "but I suddenly
remembered that the doctor put two hands on my shoulders!"

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Australian are discussing their relative performance in bed.
The Italian says - "When I've a finshed a makin da love with my girlfriend I
go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floatsa 6 inches abovea
da bed in ecstasy" The Frenchman replies - "Zat is nossing, when Ah 'ave
finished making ze love with my girlfriend Ah kiss all ze way down her body
and zen Ah lick zer soles of her feet wiz mah tongue and she floats ze 12
inches above ze bed in pure ecstasy" The Aussie says - "That's nothing, when
I've finished shaggin me Sheila, I get out of bed, walk over to the window
and wipe my cock clean on the curtains. She hits the ****in roof !!!"

A captain in the foreign legion is transferred to a desert outpost. There
he notices an old, seedy looking camel at the back of the barracks and asks
his sergeant what the animal is for. "Well, sir", he says. "We're a fair
distance from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges. When they do,
uh, we have the camel." "Gosh", says the captain. "Well... if it's good for
the men's morale, it's all right with me." The captain soon becomes
frustrated himself. Finally he can stand it no longer and tells his
sergeant: "Bring in the camel!"
The sarge shrugs his shoulders and leads the camel to the captain's
quarters. The captain then gets a foot stool and begins to have vigorous sex
with the camel. As he steps down, satisfied, he asks the sergeant, "Is that
how the enlisted men do it?"
The sergeant, somewhat surprised, replies, "Well, no sir, they usually just
use it to ride to the brothel in town."

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and a young sister, Jane
Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun
instructed. Sister Jane was also instructed not to look at Father John's
nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked sister Jane how the bath went.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily. "I've been saved." "Saved? And
how did that fine thing come about?" asked the old nun. "Well, when father
John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was
washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the key to Heaven."
"Did he now," said the old nun evenly. Sister Jane continued, "And Father
John said that if the key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would
be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace.
And then Father John guided his key to Heaven into my lock." "Is that a
fact?" said the nun even more evenly. "At first it hurt terribly, but Father
John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of
GOD would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. It did, it felt so good being
saved." "That wicked old Devil," said the old nun. "He told me it was
Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years!"

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly-swatter.
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies"
"Oh!, have you got any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 females", he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell?"
"3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone".